Zan - 46

To anyone observing from the outside, I looked like I was having a great time, and the truth is that for many years, I was! My life had always been defined by the relentless pursuit of careless fun, women, and crazy nights on the town…I wish I could remember most of them! From my small hometown to the biggest cities, I had wandered aimlessly for years on an alcohol-fuelled adventure but, as they say, all good things must come to an end. After about 25 years of very hard livin’, it all fell apart and it became obvious to me that I was smiling while suffering - on the inside, I was in a lot of pain. Maintaining my identity as this ‘party guy’ had cost me everything yet even looking back through the clear lens of recovery, I have zero regrets. It was a wild ride and incredibly awesome…until it wasn’t.

At 38 years old, I had been unexpectedly served divorce papers by my 2nd wife and almost lost my sanity due to years of reckless alcohol and drug abuse. I was on a downward spiral in all areas - depressed, unhealthy, and anxiety-ridden. I hid this pain the only way I knew how - by bingeing booze and drugs, serial dating, and stumbling home blackout drunk multiple times a week. Along the way I had lost what made me a man - my inner strength, my purpose, my identity. At my lowest points, I couldn’t see any reason to be here on this earth, except for my young son, and I was struggling to maintain that relationship as well. I was locked in a prison and could not see any way out - little did I know that I was holding the key the whole time.

I’ve often said that you don’t need to lose everything in order to stop drinking - your rock bottom is whenever you stop digging the hole! For me, that day was Dec.1st 2014 when I found myself in the middle of the night, falling face-down on a snowy sidewalk in a rough part of town with no idea where I was or how I got there - not the best life situation to be in as a middle-aged father! This was the last in a very long string of bad decisions, close calls, and shameful actions. My life was rapidly falling apart, and I often said that there was a black cloud following me everywhere and raining only on me. That winter morning, I sat on the end of my bed with my head in my hands, the weight of guilt was so heavy that I felt like my back was going to break. I couldn’t carry this life anymore and finally surrendered.

I was done trying to control my alcohol use. I was done hating where I had ended up in life. I was done with all the excuses and shame and that day; I took responsibility for it all. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired! It was so exhausting, yet if living my life that way was my choice - so was giving it up and starting over again. Surprisingly, I suddenly experienced a moment of total clarity - right there I made the choice to take ownership of my chaotic and destructive existence.

I knew I wasn’t destined to feel like shit multiple times a week - I knew I had lost relationships because I couldn’t control my alcohol intake - I knew I was wasting my days, and years, in a downward spiral that was brought on by my worst enemy - myself. The only way out was by taking radical ownership of everything that I had become - all the bad decisions, the dishonesty, the unhealthy lifestyle - and replace it all with gratitude, love, and trust. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. Was it necessary? Also, yes.

I reached out for help. I prioritised my mental health and found positive outlets for my emotions. I took purposeful action to resolve my resentments. I hit the gym like a beast and started to run further than I ever could have imagined. I made amends to those I hurt through my behaviours. I continue to do these actions today, even as I have well over 8 years of solid recovery. See, we are never truly ‘recovered’. There is no certificate when you are done to say ‘Congratulations! You are free from alcohol addiction, have a nice life!’ No, it’s a daily battle against yourself and you have to go to war - and if you never go to war in life, you will never know if you are a hero or a coward.

People often ask me, what’s the secret and the truth is, there isn’t one. It is different for everyone, and I hear people's stories all the time in my line of work. I’ve found that people will change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. For me, I love my life in recovery and simply do not want to go back to the way things were. I feel that I had used up every awesome night that I was going to have with alcohol and every time I drank afterwards was going to get progressively worse and worse until one day I just wouldn’t wake up. That’s the secret for me - to create a life that I don’t have the burning desire to escape from.

You are the captain of your ship - and although any captain’s journey is never consistently smooth sailing, I now have the resilience to power through the storms when they come, and they always will. I sail into every new day powered by a strong headwind of gratitude because, in my mid-40’s, I’m well aware that every great thing in my life currently can be directly traced back to that one good decision, after a lifetime of questionable ones.

Recovery is possible for anyone; I truly believe this. We look at other men that have what we want - they seem to have their shit together, the relationship, the career, the physique, the genuine happiness - and yet our limiting beliefs whisper to us in our quiet moments that these guys are somehow different. That they have something we don’t that allows them to live a rewarding life without alcohol. I know this, because I used to say this shit to myself all the time, and it held me back for years! Every time I had a glimmer of hope, my self-destructive thinking would stop me in my tracks and tell me that I wasn’t worthy of that happiness. The truth is that these guys are just like you, they aren’t different at all - they are just men who made a decision, and then started to manifest the life they wanted. Then they started taking intentional actions and making decisions every day in service of that life - one by one, step by step, day by day. It sounds so simple but it’s the truth. Aim, pull the arrow back, and let it fly.

Music - Zan’s music choices during our photo session included The Gaslight Anthem, The Bronx, Slaine, and Bob Seger.