Geoff - 48

Following is easy. Leading is hard. While reflecting on this piece, these two statements have come up strongly for me over and over. And I have observed over the years that I have fluctuated a lot between these two roles. Follower and leader.

I can think of many occasions in my life where I have happily gone out on a limb, forging a path into the unknown. However, in seeking to lead and create new experiences for myself, I have also experienced strong internal and external resistance or setbacks that triggered me to retreat to rank and file. To get behind someone else for safety.

Compared to the friends I had growing up in England, I have led an unconventional life. I left my hometown and country at eighteen to snowboard and surf in Europe. I felt it took balls to make that leap. Yet I soon found myself in deep water, grateful for the guidance of new friends who already knew how to swim in it and were willing to show me the way. And this has happened to me over and over in a similar vein, but in different countries, at different times, for different pursuits. Whether it was during seasonal work in the Mediterranean. Surf, travel, work, and business in Indonesia. Or, of course, during my yoga study in India. I can make it all sound glamorous now. But in each situation, at times I found that I stuck my neck out way too far, in one way or another. And I was grateful to then tuck in behind a more experienced leader and avoid the headwinds when those times came.

Perhaps this is all part of the dualistic pulsation of life. I charge forward, then I have to consolidate. I can blaze brightly, then I crash and burn. I can stand up, fall down, and stand up again.

One of the more significant occurrences of this pulsating pattern began playing out for me in 2016. I was freshly back from my ninth trip to India in the previous 10 years. And I had started my own yoga program in Vancouver. Prior to that, I had always taught for other programs or operated in partnership teams. This was my first solo attempt, and I was fired up about it. The thing is, my adult years spent living overseas, combined with my yoga-hermit lifestyle, had turned me into something of a lone wolf. All my best friends had either moved out of the city or lived on other continents. I was alone in many ways. I fell into the trap of believing my own bullshit for a while. I was a “conscious yoga bro.” I thought I was special because I did this hard technical practice every day, because I felt at home in India, and because I was living in my “dharma”. I was “free.”

In reality, I craved connection. I had no local friends. I relied mostly on my intimate partner for connection. But in that relationship, I was suffering from the pull of my unconscious patterns. In fact, I was a “manipulative nice guy”. I had only one skill to monetize: the yoga teaching. I was actually kind of broke and very reliant on the generosity of others to keep my business and my life solvent.

Fortunately, my deeper, wiser, subconscious self triggered a series of events that would soon connect me to a brotherhood of men that held me accountable for who I claimed I was and called me on my bullshit. I had dragged myself along to an evening yoga event, where at one point, the facilitator mentioned his “Men’s Group”. I had no idea what he was talking about, but it piqued my interest, and I knew I needed to find out more. I inquired about it that night and actually joined this man’s squad within a few weeks. In the space of one or two meetings in this circle, I was gratefully humbled and also called forward. Called forward, with love and with fire, by a diverse group of men who I never would’ve expected to meet in the circles that I ran in. These men inspired me, and in turn, let me inspire them. A brotherhood of support where we have each other’s backs.

I am a leader in that brotherhood now. And my yoga businesses have sprouted other leading roles for me to assume. But that pulsating force still remains. At times, I can still want someone else to provide me with some relief by stepping out in front, so that I don’t have to lead. The difference now is that I’m not alone. My lone wolf tendencies are fading, and I’m more likely to open up and seek help. And that is good. Leadership is hard. It’s good to ask for help.

Music - Geoff’s music choices during our photo session included The Stone Roses, The Prodigy, Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds, Primal Scream, Jackie Wilson, and The Beatles.