Nando - 39

My dad married the doctor he couldn’t be. My mother married the prince charming.

They loved the idea they had of each other, not the real person. My dad viewed all the things around him as extensions of who he was, that included his car, his house and his family. I was the son of my dad and always wanted to make him proud. I knew that when I disappointed him, he made jokes justifying it to his friends: “Nando won’t do a belt exam to change to a yellow belt in Taekwondo because he wants to stay a white belt and be the best white belt.” My dad viewed me as a coward. I viewed myself as a coward. My mom had set expectations very high for her marriage, for herself, and the family. Her identity was to be the best. Not of who she could be, but the best according to the opinions of others. And that also transferred into me, the need to be perfect, and set the best example. If not the best, not good enough. I was a kind, loving and funny kid. Trying to find myself, trying to find someone for me, trying to please my parents.

Their marriage lasted 17 years and the divorce was very tough on everyone. Trying to please my parents, to avoid conflict, I accepted the role of middleman, in their discussions about rights, duties, alimony and everything else that they weren’t brave enough to talk about face-to-face. The 13-year-old negotiator got screamed at, put down, called naive, called a liar and a burden. I was angry and sad, but I couldn’t express that. I had to keep my respect for the authority of my parents. I craved independence. I wanted to own my life. I wanted to have the freedom to go away from their problems.

Years later, I moved away to a bigger city, far enough that they would need to travel to see me. Far enough that I would not be the middleman or a burden anymore, because I had distanced myself from both. I wanted them to come to me just as parents, just as my dad or my mom, not to solve their problems. I wanted just the love part, the admiration, the support. For my dad to see my bravery, for my mom to see that I was enough. Far away from them, I wouldn’t have to prove my worth to my mother or become the doctor my dad wanted me to be, the doctor he couldn’t be. Both told me what I should do with my life, reinforcing the idea that I was not enough.

I got married, trying to build a better family than the one I was born into. I wanted to prove that I could do better than my mother’s version of a perfect marriage. I moved again to a distant country. Partially to leave my own scarcity culture, partially to be enough just as I was. My relationship was more in my head than in my heart, pleasing my partner to keep her around and perpetuating the illusion of a perfect marriage. I tried to be perfect for her too, be what she wanted me to be. I wanted to have a family with kids, but that wasn’t meant to be in that time or relationship. I faced divorce. In my mind, I failed to prove that I could make it work for myself and my parents and I got lost.

Through that loss, I found strength in a men’s group and was able to discover and cultivate a relationship with my shadow. I found that I ran away from my parent’s issues, only to find them living inside of me. I couldn’t run away from myself. Now, I’m reaching out to that kind, loving, funny kid inside of me, without trying to please people around me. It’s been a long and hard journey; digging up the deep-seated roots planted inside of me. I had to go where my parents had never been before, facing the fear of the unknown.

I’m learning who I am again, going for what I want without the need for their approval. The more I feel enough in myself, and truly love myself, the more I recognize change in the relationship between my parents and I. My mom does not talk down to me anymore and reaches out just to connect. My dad wants me to be part of his life and recently said that he is proud of me.

Fighting against the sadness and loneliness of my past, I now know that I’m on the right path to finding someone that will love and help me build the family that I so much want to have.

Music - Nando’s music choices during our photo session included Calvin Harris, George Ezra, Justin Bieber, Molejo and Alexi Murdoch.