Tyler - 29

It was February 2020. I was on holiday in Portugal visiting family, surfing, and reconnecting with the ocean. At the time, I was feeling ungrounded, and the ocean is what always helps to bring me home.

While visiting Praia Da Arrifana, I decided to go surfing alone. In the water, I started to feel nervous. The waves were overwhelmingly big, and I hadn’t been on my board in quite some time. My several attempts to paddle into the waves were quickly aborted due to fear. This fear reflected where I was at in many aspects of my life, leaning in but not fully committal.

As I began to paddle further out, I found myself between the waves and some rocks. Not exactly the place you want to be. I had to fight to escape the current and get myself to the backside of the waves for what felt like hours. The struggle to free myself from the pull was a perfect metaphor for where I was at in my life. My decision to go alone, not ask for help, and not face what scared me in life, had me trapped both physically, and figuratively.

I still have no idea how I managed to free myself that day, other than sheer perseverance or perhaps divine intervention, but I was reminded of my power and the presence of a guiding hand that I had experienced throughout my life. I started to make my way out, determined to get past the break, and into calmer waters where I could rest and recharge my exhausted body.

As I paddled out the back, a huge new set of waves started rolling in. I was able to make it over a couple before a huge surge started closing in on me. It was then, darkness fell over my body. Suddenly, I was head on with my fears, approaching me in the form of one big wave with nowhere to hide. I paddled as fast as I could, but I had no chance against the force of nature. I felt afraid and my arms were tired. As I was pushed up the face of the wave it started pulling me back. As a surfer, there are moments when you realize resistance doesn’t help and you must surrender to the ocean. In that surrender, the wave took me under and held me there for what seemed like an eternity. My world slowed down, a part of me not knowing if I had the energy to resurface.

As I am held under, several questions started flashing through my mind.

If I were to die today, would I be proud of who I am?

What had I left unsaid to those I love?

What had I not taken responsibility for in my life?

In that moment I felt both a deep sense of peace and surrender, hope and inspiration. I made several commitments to myself; to stop lying to the people I love, to stop cheating on my intimate partners, to stop manipulating those around me and to face the areas of my life where I was out of integrity. Today was not my day to die. I resurfaced, grabbed a hold of my board, and felt a surge of energy from within, a new level of determination took over. I had a new lease on life, and I wasn’t going to waste it.

I made my way back to the beach, walked to my rental car and immediately messaged my ex-girlfriend, whom I'd recently split up with. I asked her if we could talk, I needed to be honest about some things. I needed to take ownership for my actions and behaviors, such as lying to my family and friends about our relationship, painting an image that made her look like the villain, when deep down I knew the villain was me.

When my family learned of my actions and the truth of what had happened with my ex, my sister in-law asked me to leave. She told me she didn’t want me around my nephew, who at the time was the one person I wanted to make the proudest. I left without saying goodbye to my nephew, not knowing when I would see him or my family again. This brought on a deep pain that I had not known before, and it became my catalyst for action, and for change.

Life offered me another choice; be overwhelmed by the pain of the truth or sit with that pain, learn from it, and choose to step into being a better man. I committed to myself to take responsibility for my actions from there on out, to do the work in earnest and to make amends wherever possible. My journey hasn’t always been pleasant. It has presented me with several twists and turns. I chose to attend therapy and in doing so faced my deepest fears. I chose to intentionally spend time single so that I could build a solid relationship with myself first. I chose to train and become a coach, empowering others to see their greatness and share it with the world. I chose to move from England to Canada, I joined a community of brothers and sisters who I now think of as family, something I searched for my whole life. I truly feel like I belong. Most importantly, I chose to learn how to love myself, to be my own friend, a process I work on every day.

I feel like I have been given a great gift, a chance to change my narrative. To no longer be defined by the mistakes I have made, and to act around creating the life I deserve.

The ocean is such a great metaphor for life, we all battle currents each day, at times we must surrender to the waves which we have no control over. We can choose how long we let it drag us down into the shadows. We can choose to keep swimming and become stronger because of it. 

Life always presents us with a choice, and there is always hope.

Music - Tyler’s music choices during our photo session included Elvis Presley, Jack Johnson, and Frank Sinatra.