Jer - 43

I should be dead.

That dark day in my life was one that I will never forget as long as I live and has become a touchstone.

None of us have a bread clip on our toe with an expiration date that tells us when our time is up. Time is often the one thing we wish for more of, especially when death is knocking at your door.

Nearly twenty years ago, I was in a major car accident. Driving home alone from work on a dark and rainy October night in the Niagara region, was a little scary. I remember heading down a familiar but very dark and winding side road when I hit some wet leaves and began to spin out. As the car slid out of control I closed my eyes, grabbed the wheel and began to hope for the best. I was alerted to the banging of my head that repeatedly hit the side window as the car rolled over and over again, before landing in the middle of an intersection, on its wheels. Luckily enough there was nobody else around.

As I started to open my eyes, I felt my head, my body and wiggled my toes, before looking around the inside of my car. To my left, the driver’s side door was wedged shut, to my right half the roof was bent in such a way that had a passenger been in the front seat, they’d have been decapitated. I remember telling myself, time to get up and move.

I crawled out through the back seat and made my way out of the shattered back window. I looked back at the car and nearly fell to the ground in shock. Looking in from the back window, there appeared to be an invisible orb around the driver’s seat that kept me safe from harm. I felt so fortunate to be alive and unscathed. A witness that had been passing by stopped their car and called for help.

As I sat there on the side of the road and waited for the first responders, looking up at the rain in the street light, I didn’t know what to think or say. I’ve never been a religious person, so praying isn’t what I reach for but I did start to think about how blessed I was to be alive.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t share my story with those I spent my daily life with, out of respect for their happenstance. At the time I was a rehab therapist primarily working with clients recovering from injuries sustained by motor vehicle accidents or work related injuries.

Everyday would end with a hefty dollop of guilt.

This survivor’s guilt would eat away at me for years. I’d put on a good face in the presence of my clients to disguise my guilt but this could only last for so long. My clients were on meds to cope with their pain and I’d abuse substances like drugs and alcohol to cope with my internal scars. The inner trauma, I didn’t have the courage to share with friends and family, led me down a dark hole for nearly a decade. I’d become a caregiver filled with a numbness that only leads to burnout. I imagine this feeling of burnout is experienced by far too many in the industry that are too numb or naive to share. These are the scars we wear when we patch others wounds and forget about the importance of self care.

After a visit to the West Coast in 2010, I decided to return home, quit my job, pack my car with whatever would fit and drive to Vancouver, BC. The Pacific Ocean would become a source of peace and tranquility during this time of recovery. Being able to meet new people, share my story and learn to love myself again helped trim away some of the abusive habits I was drawn to on a daily basis.

Scars that remind us of where we’ve been and what we’ve lived through help us grow, change and bounce back.

That day as the rain came down and hit the back of my neck, as I felt the drops on my face and the occasional shiver I was blessed with what has become a touchstone. Having a life altering experience like this in my twenties helped shape my growth. I slowly found my way back to a realization of the precious fragility that is every moment of every day and how blessed I am to see, feel and taste life.

I often remind myself of that day whenever I’m feeling the darkness creep in again. I remember that day and that voice in my head telling me time get up and move.

Music - Jer’s music choices during our photo session included Pink Floyd, Tom Petty, Greta Van Fleet, and Dave Matthews Band.