Furkhan - 40
Finding the light within:
It was an interesting state where I was mired in apathy. Growing up with faith almost gave me this sense of entitlement, and when I experienced adversity, I felt angered and resentful. In my naivety, I started to shake my fist at God and felt upset with the obstacles and difficulties I was experiencing. As I embarked on my self-discovery journey, things came full circle, and I realized that I needed to go through everything to find my way back to the light. The words, “We have breakdowns to have breakthroughs,” truly started to sink in for me. The breakdowns were meant for me to discover what was always inside of me.
Going through a divorce and the adversity that comes with any type of life-altering situation pushed me in the direction of therapy and coming face to face with a lot of the unhealed parts of myself. As I dove into my shadow side, I started to realize that while whatever I experienced as a child or adolescent was not my fault, I still had to take on the responsibility of healing. But it was not that straightforward as I continued to stumble. I swung from a nihilistic view of life to a hedonistic one, and the pendulum kept swinging back and forth. As I jumped into another relationship repeating the same patterns, and when that relationship failed, I had nobody else but myself to hold accountable. If I wanted a different future, I had to make changes. If I wanted to be an advocate for other men, I had to start practicing what I was preaching. Or better yet, I had to preach what I was practicing.
I then started to find the light which the shadows had dimmed. The light that had always been there but had been cloaked by the various veils and masks I had put on to protect myself over the years. I had to go inward to find and feel love rather than seek it in the external world. Anything worth having requires work but needs to be built on a solid foundation. The external world is seductive and ever-changing; therefore, it can be fleeting and miss the mark on fulfillment.
If I had to embody self-love, I had to treat myself as I would take care of my child. That’s where the work began as I sought to find stillness. I focused on sleep, diet, and exercise. I had created so many barriers to my well-being, which was preventing me from living a life aligned with who I wanted to be. As I continued to dive into this newfound passion for healing and growth, I started to uncover many layers. I started reading more and learning about great men from the past and what had worked for them and what had not. Ultimately, I started to find this sense of independence and stillness I had lost. From a metaphysical perspective, I started to understand what people meant when they said to be the person you aspire to be in the present. As I started to embody that self, things started to happen around me that I could not put into words. I started to step into situations, invite people into my life, and create opportunities for myself that I was aspiring for. It was the concept of manifestation that people often allude to. But as Napoleon said: “The greatest danger occurs at the moment of victory.”
The next chapter of this journey was to maintain humility and gratitude. Humility for the fact that despite the results I was seeing, I still had a long way to go and much more to learn, and gratitude for all the gifts of life and the opportunity every day to course correct. Yet, my naïve self felt that now I had finally turned a new corner and was on my way, things would be smooth sailing – it was not to be, and I faced a new test: with my son now moving to another province and two time zones away. This led me to another “coming to God” moment, where I approached it with curiosity rather than entitlement and anger – I had surely learned. What I received in return was profound and led to another powerful shift. This time, I embarked on a spiritual journey, which I am still on and will continue for the rest of my life. In this chapter, I realized that all these obstacles and forms of adversity have only allowed me to find my inner strength and resolve. Instead of turning away from God, I turned towards Him, and in doing so, I also saw the man I had become. I realized He has always been facing me and been there to guide me. As my son moved away, I accepted it for what it was and realized he was a part of creation who would go through his adversity and journey.
A moment of stillness stuck with me when I sat on a mountaintop looking down into all of creation. I realized how small I was compared to everything around me, but I was in flow and one with it all. As I stared at the trees, I saw all the unique branches stemming from one another and felt that sense of connection between my son and me. In my pain and emotion, I felt held and comforted. That was when I promised myself that my responsibility and duty to me and my son was to do my best every day. Now that our time together was changing, I promised to push myself to become the best version of myself in his absence and do my best to help and serve others.
As I lived this life of purpose and service, I started to tap into something phenomenal. I found this sense of power, flow state, consciousness, inner wisdom, higher self, etc., that was always inside me but, as I mentioned, had been cloaked or veiled. Every day, I prioritize my body, mind, and spirit. As I started to unveil my heart, I started to feel this sense of immense gratitude and love that had always been there. As my heart started to open, the light inside me brightened. This is the light I aspire to serve the world with and inspire the same in others when I come across them. We all have this light inside of us and together we can truly shine bright and light up the world – that I know for sure.
Much love.
Music - Furkhan’s music choices during our photo session included Tupac Shakur, Mark Morrison, Fugees and Justin Timberlake.
