Jake - 42

Content Warning - The following story mentions suicide ideation. If you or someone you know is at risk, please visit www.befrienders.org to find support in your area.

"It's dark and hell is hot" I muttered under my breath. Things were looking bleak. "I didn't have much left to live for” I told myself. I walked into the hardware store and picked out a hibachi, which I thought was the right size and price. I never got around to lighting it up, I was saved. At least for now. That was 2011.

Fast forward to the 4th quarter of 2012 and once again life would present a fork in the road. I was arrested again, car impounded, bruised and weak. I didn't put up much of a fight. I was tired and sick, and sick and tired of the way I was living. Surviving would be the more appropriate term.

My Great Grandfather died with nothing left but his wedding ring after a life of gambling and alcoholism. He left behind a widow and 12 children. My grandfather grew up in Northern England in Blackpool in the 1920s and 1930s. When World War II broke out, he was enlisted into the British Navy. He fought in the battle of the Atlantic, the North African campaigns, was sunk on 3 separate occasions by the German U-boat and survived miraculously. I have no doubt in my mind those years in the war hardened him like a diamond. Those genetics carried over trauma and PTSD, better known as "shell shock," at the time.

I grew up with a Maritimer east coast Father, and a South African immigrant Mother, in the sleepy bedroom community of Burquitlam. My Father, a union man thru and thru. My Mother, a schoolteacher dealing with special needs children. I had a half-brother, 10 years older from my father’s previous marriage and a younger brother. We grew up in the 80’s as a middle-class family, in a middle-class neighborhood that did middle-class things like block parties and cookouts. One would say it was an idyllic childhood. But something was off.

I always felt different. I was an outsider, and I was bullied. I excelled in fine arts, sports, and music but I would constantly be in trouble, disruptive and lash out. Years later this would lead me to believe I had ADHD. To this day, I am undiagnosed, but I believe in my heart of hearts this is what I have, and it gives me some solace. It explains so much.

I spent much of my adolescent years on movie sets and much of my adolescent nights in parks. I picked up the art of DJing. I loved local punk shows, I trained with weights, weapons, and I trained on the stage and the rugby pitch. I got high. I got drunk. I got into fights and jumped. School became boring. I drifted further and further from class, sending me deeper into darkness. I stopped going to class all together in my senior year and never actually graduated.

After the movie industry dried up for me, I was lost. I played small clubs and bars and drank away my fees. I worked odd jobs roofing and at warehouse plants. I wrecked cars and wrecked relationships, always choosing my drug of choice. This would go on for roughly 10 years. Something had to change, and it was a trip to the ICU that did just that.

I was at death's door once again. I spent the whole summer of 2004 holding on. I cleaned up my act for a time, but that did not last either. Soon I was back to self-destruction and on a highway to hell with motorcycles, anything fast and loud. They say if you ride like lightning eventually you’re going to crash like thunder. I reckon I did both of those things. After all this is shadow and light right?

It's been almost 11 years since that night. I had my last drink on October 31st, 2012. My sobriety date is November 1st, 2012. I have a good job, a family, 3 cats, a puppy, and a nice home. You might say it's an idyllic life. You might say I'm living the dream. You might be right.

If you are reading this and you are struggling just know that I was once lost, scared, angry, and confused. I removed the one thing that was holding me back and life got progressively better with some work and maintenance of my spiritual condition. I got a life worth living and I am so grateful for all the support over the years. You can't keep what you have unless you give it away. Just for today.

Music - Jake’s music choices during our photo session included Stevie Ray Vaughan, Colter Wall, City and Colour, John Lennon, Tyler Childers and The Marshall Tucker Band.