Andrew - 39

I wake up, foggy, restrained to a hospital bed. This isn’t the first time, but it was the worst. 3 days prior I was at the end of run that lasted at least a week, maybe more, who knows at this point. All I know is that I had gotten high, again, and over did it. I never saw it coming, the psychosis has a way of creeping in so that you never do. Man, when it hits, it’s a nightmare. A true living nightmare. Any rational person, in the fear I experienced, would concede to never using drugs again. The funny thing is, to this day, I remember asking, begging, whatever power was out there to get me out of this situation. I promised myself and I promised whatever it was, I would never use again. Just make it stop. Fear is a great motivator…. The mind of an addict is a diabolical thing. I meant what I said in that hospital bed. Every fibre of my being was ready to make change so I would never end up back there. 

Back to that moment. I wake up, foggy, restrained to a hospital bed. The nurses are eager to get me out of there. Judging from the restraints and the looks on their faces, I was not easy to deal with. You wouldn’t be either if you saw the things I saw.  They ask me simple questions to test my mental acuity. What day is it? What year? What’s your name?  As crazy as it sounds, the familiarity of these questions brings back that feeling. “I got this” “do they think I’m stupid?” I had trained myself to let go of the fear so quickly, for one reason. That next hit. It’s a weird feeling, going to do something you know will end badly. It’s a kind of auto pilot. I left the hospital, the voice in my head begging me to not do this again. All the while my feet marching towards the dealer. Left foot, right foot, one in front of the other. I’m powerless to stop it.

Here we go again….

Broken promises to myself and others. Moments of feeling like I have control followed by devastating nose dives into oblivion. Picking up something to alter my state of mind, going until I lose my mind. Constantly tasked with finding it again, with finding my footing. Rinse then repeat. 

Early on, it was alcohol mostly. I started drinking when I was 12. Things really deteriorated when it turned into substances. I quickly went from what seemed like a recreational user to everyday use. When I started injecting, I plummeted into darkness. You can push past a lot of boundaries when you get high. It’s easy to lose yourself, become something you don’t even recognize. The hard part is getting back. You’re lucky if you find your way back. I know plenty of people that died trying. Good people, lost souls. 

I’ve lived in houses, apartments, and condos. I’ve lived in my car. I’ve been homeless, more than a few times. I’ve been admitted to hospitals, psych wards and jails. Any institution you can think of, I’ve been there, more than a few times. 

That was my story for many years. When I was younger, my parents would try to reason with me or express their disappointment. As time passed, they became sad, then scared, after a while it felt like they lost hope. I’m sure they did, after all, I lost hope in myself. From the outside looking in, most people ask, “Why don’t you just stop”. My perspective for a long time was, “I could if I wanted to.” As I went down the rabbit hole, at some point, I realized that was a lie. I wasn’t Alice heading to wonderland, I was a zombie digging myself an early grave. People stopped asking questions, I became a social outcast. There was no one left to show concern for my decisions. My lifestyle, if you can call it that, was lonely and destructive. I reached a low where I believed I would never get clean. I would probably die using. The scariest part? I was ok with that. 

Until I wasn’t…

I think as bad as things can get, there are always moments of clarity. Opportunities to make change, spiritual awakenings, whatever you want to call it. I passed over many of those moments in my life. I don’t know exactly what the difference was the day I called my sister and asked for help, but I know that decision changed the trajectory of my life drastically. I found recovery and had some success. I really thought I’d never use again. After a while, I did. I think that’s the nature of the beast, for people like me. I stumbled in and out of the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous for years after my first attempt. The first time clean, I was 26 years old. Although my journey being clean hasn’t been perfect, I have grown up with NA, it’s a part of who I am, and I wouldn’t be alive without it today. 

I just celebrated 2 years clean. I now have the most days I’ve put back-to-back since day one. I used to always feel like the day would come when I would use again. The difference this time is that I still remember the desperation and loneliness of addiction. I remember how bad it was. The other piece is that I have a life today I wouldn’t trade for anything. In 2 years, there have been so many firsts. So many things I thought I would never live to experience. I have a career, a roof over my head, I’m engaged to a beautiful loving woman. We have a dog that I love. We started a family of our own, our son is almost 7 months old. 

This is not where I ever thought I’d end up. If you are struggling and feel like I’ve felt, just know that there is always a chance for you. You simply have to take it. I always thought I knew better, even in the worst times. But if you can ask for help, People like me will be there to show you this isn’t the end. 

It’s just the beginning…

Music - Andrew’s music choices during our photo session included The Devil Makes Three, Sweatshop Union and The Dead South.