Pete - 33

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that “the work” is never done. I’ll give you a couple of examples.

Let’s start with my last committed relationship… Embarrassingly enough, on our first date, I told her I didn’t think I had any work left to do on myself. I then proceeded to lose myself to the depths of anxiety and depression that only the codependent among us will know.

I’d done a lot of work on my “single” self, but I hadn’t been in a relationship for a while. When you’re single, you can get by letting people step on your toes. I’m not recommending this, I’m just saying that we tend to not work on our assertiveness until we hit rock bottom. But when you’re in a relationship, that strategy of not setting boundaries becomes unsustainable.

After a few months of this self-imposed hell, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I’d become so good at ignoring my needs. This was my lowest point and it cost me dearly. The entire year after the inevitable breakup, I barely left the house except to do different forms of therapy: Naturopaths, doctors, conscious relationship training, my men's group, reiki, etc. I was physically ill with a dozen different symptoms that no doctor could explain. My body was throwing in the towel because I had given up on myself.

Long story short everything cleared up and now, at 33, I’ve never felt better—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I was never unfit, but I used to groan when I got up off the couch. I thought that kind of stiffness was normal because I was “getting older.” But, fuck… you know you can fix all of that with self-love? Seriously. That’s what did it.

If you think that’s cheesy or naïve, you’re doing yourself a massive disservice. I used to be incredibly hard on myself, always pushing for more. For instance, I forced my body into doing more reps, more speed, and more distance than it wanted to do. Even when I massaged my sore muscles, I would do it until it hurt. Because I inherently believed that I wasn’t enough and never would be, I incorrectly assumed that I had to exert myself to the point of gritting teeth and groaning to get anywhere in life.

I was incapable of giving my body and mind the tender love they both needed to heal. The gentle touch, light stretching, low-intensity exercise, the words of encouragement and support. I was incapable because to do those things would be to love myself. But I didn’t, so those things made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t until I learned how to LET LOVE IN that my body and mind started working for me instead of against me.

Nowadays, I love exercising—something I never thought I would say. Because I made it easy and fun, it stuck. It took away my pain and stiffness and replaced it with strength and flexibility. It’s still improving, and I’m constantly surprised at how much lighter I keep feeling.

Anyway, that’s a long way to say that I’m thankful to that relationship for throwing me into the cyclone that ultimately led me to find my true self for the first time in my life. A place where I know there’s always more work to do, and that that is a good thing.

Here’s another example.

I’ve been coaching mostly men for a long time and I know I’m good at it, so I decided to try my hand at making social media videos. A new layer. A new growth opportunity. And, boy, did it hit me like a cheap shot to the nuts.

I thought I could defy all expectations and blow up from day one, but after four months and 30 odd videos, all I had was 200 new subscribers. Each video that failed gave my ego new ammunition: “You’ll never make it. No one wants to listen to you. No one likes you.”

Like in the aforementioned relationship, this new chapter of my life had its own obstacles to overcome. Perfectionism, fear of rejection, and learning how to be authentically myself on camera. They are all still works in progress, but every day I chip away at them with self-love, and I can feel them improving.

As I write this (4 months and 3 days into my video-making journey), my 31st video is taking off on social media with 90k views and 2,500 new followers so far. People are asking for more videos in the same format and I’m over the moon that it’s finally working.

Most of all, I’m proud of myself for not giving in to my fears. I say that to myself regularly, and sometimes I cry from the relief of knowing that, for the first time in my life, I have my own back.

I guess the point of all of this is to remind you that a) we are all capable of far more than we tend to give ourselves credit for, and b) that each chapter comes with new challenges that are there to guide us toward the treasure. Face them and you will get what you want.

I’ve been hardcore into personal growth for the past twelve years and I’ve been a life coach for eight of those years, and still, there is always more work to be done. And that’s a good thing. No one’s life is free from challenges. The only thing that changes is that the more work you do on yourself, the more interesting your challenges become.

Music - Pete’s music choices during our photo session included, Arctic Monkeys, Bloc Party, and The Doors.