Jason - 35

I’m the product of war. 

My parents are Chinese and were born in Vietnam. My mom was from the North, the communist side, and my dad was from the South, the American side. So, growing up, my mom would tell us, “My side won.” I think I’m still processing what it means to be the child of the “boat people” movement in 1975 where 70,000 people fled Communist Vietnam.

My parents hadn’t known one another before the war. They met as war refugees in a small Northern town in British Columbia, called Prince Rupert, where they had three sons. Complaining wasn’t really allowed in our household. A lot of complaints were met with, “When I was your age, bombs were being dropped on us.” That quickly silenced us. 

Conflict was settled with the silent treatment or by a beating given with a bamboo feather duster. I think it’s an Asian thing – I’ve talked to other Asian descendants that were also beaten with a feather duster – they must have spread the word about the effectiveness and durability of bamboo. The silence was maybe worse. It would last for weeks sometimes, other than the bare minimum of necessary interaction. Then one day, without resolution, my parents would act normal again. I realize I’ve carried that kind of behaviour on.

Part of me actually feels some embarrassment about talking so candidly about all of this. I just ended this rather charged romantic relationship, and I’m currently doing a 12-step program called Codependents Anonymous. I guess it’s not that anonymous if I’m saying I’m doing it. Part of the program’s aim is to stop the pattern of not feeling, not trusting, and not talking. Evidently, adult children of emotionally unavailable families have a lot of similar traits – and one of them is that we’re taught to hide, that no one really likes us, and we often become addicted to drama. 

I just completed the fourth step, a fearless, searching, and blameless inventory of self. And boy, it was extensive. I had to write down all the harms I perceive I’ve caused, then link it to memories in my childhood where that same occurrence happened. This is where I’m starting to link up my disposition towards drama and excitement with the way we were shown love – by being beaten with a bamboo feather duster. 

My therapist tells me that I am relearning how to love – uncoupling this chemical that I have in my body that links shame, guilt, embarrassment, detachment, fear, and avoidance as synonymous with how I was taught to perceive love.

I mean, my parents did the best they could – and they show love through financial support and acts of service. And they love me, I know that. They love me unconditionally. All throughout this time, my parents supported me. They had and still probably have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve always been the one they worry about the most, I think – the dreamer. But they’ve always supported me.

There is a deep longing and pain that comes from a disconnect between the generations. We’ve been given new technology, and also new mind maps for communication visa via self-help books and pop-psychology on how to talk about our emotions. I think that is why we’re going to see a lot more Asian film makers and creatives blossoming in the next decade or so. 

Thích Nhất Hạnh, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk once remarked, “To love someone without knowing how to love is to hurt the one we love.” I think about that often, you know? I think that’s really why I chose to work in film and storytelling. Sometimes, words don’t do this mysterious thing we call “love” any justice. Sometimes, you need an orchestra, the visuals, and all of the drama – only then we can try to make sense of this chaotic and beautiful force.

Our parents got us this far. But I think we are still at war. It’s just a spiritual war, an eternal war between love and indifference. And I think we’re going to need to sacrifice everything we have to win this thing. I think it’s going to take every fiber, atom, and electron in our being to learn how to love one another. And ourselves.

Music - Jason’s music choices during our photo session included, LP, Post Malone, and Gordon Lightfoot.