Michael - 33

It's funny, working on TV you sometimes forget that what people see on the screen is sometimes different than how you experience it. Imagine, you’re looking down the lens of a camera, lights are on you, people watching you… a voice talking in your ear, counting down: 5…4...3...2...1… “Cue”. You take a big breath and talk. 

Many people share their love of what I do on TV, but I realize most people won’t know the internal journey it’s taken to do it.

Being an extrovert, I've always loved to entertain, learn about the diversity of culture and perspective there is on this planet, and share it with others. Underneath it all, I've always craved the real intimacy of being with people. To sit with people in their depths, hearing their stories, to hold space for the reality of peoples lived experience. But in the process of becoming a professional TV personality, I discovered you also are expected to always look like you know what you're doing and know what you're talking about all the time. 

When I first started, I was filled to the brim with anxiety. Straight up imposter syndrome. How do I just talk live on TV for 2 to 3 minutes? How do I write a story? How do you meet deadlines? organize interviews and write a script?! See, I didn't go to journalism school, and while I had extensive experience working in TV, I never thought of myself as a journalist or reporter. Just someone who’s a passionate conversationalist. Now here I am working with some of the best in the business and one of the largest markets in the country and I'm responsible for being out on location conducting live TV every week. 

Coming into the job I brought all my childhood fears and neuroses. Coming from a Caribbean immigrant Family, I was conditioned to excel and look the part. Always speak well, always dress well, be exceptional or people won't respect you. This is the story I internalized. Although they meant well, the drilling in this need to always be excellent and relevant meant parts of me had to die. The youthful inclination to be carefree, experiment, and try new things was replaced with a staunch inner critic. I held a hypervigilance of being extra aware of how people always perceived me. I had zero tolerance for mistakes. So subsequently this led me to have a deep fear of failure. 

So fast forward when I started my job as a reporter, I said to myself "I'm not supposed to be here, how do I do this, feeling totally insecure every day.” My biggest fear was that I was just going to say the wrong thing, too many “umms” or “uh’s” or get “found out” as a phony, or completely forget everything I'm talking about while live on TV! Every time I thought of someone counting down in my ear I was sent straight into fight or flight mode. I would think oh ok, just 5 secs until your broadcasted to thousands of people’s homes, don't mess up! Facing this internal existential threat consistently for weeks was exhausting but I was committed to showing up and trusting it would get easier. I kept this all bottled up inside because you know, we're all professionals and we should know how to do this.

In retrospect with all of this going on in the background I realized it created a block for me to tune into my creative self, my nervous system, my heart, my spirit, which is the whole reason why I got into this Business.

So, I kept at it…God bless my wife for hearing me talk to myself over and over for hours practicing. And I reconnected back to my 15+ year meditation and spiritual practice to come back to my body, my intention. I’m here to embody presence and Sacred Hospitality with all I talk to. My vulnerability is my strength. My dedication to holding space for people’s feelings and authenticity is my gift. And at the end of the day, it's not about me, so if I keep my heart into it, the feeling will translate no matter what words did or did not come out. I realized that I felt anxious because I cared deeply about what I was doing. So, my job became to look beyond all the lights, the cameras, the attention projected onto me, and remember I'm here to be a steward. To create connection, to share love… this is the path and intention I continue to hold. 

I feel and I'm just starting to break the shell of being my fullest and most authentic self, but it’s been an untelevised journey to get here. I give thanks to the ancestors, the land, and my inner child for guiding my steps on this emerging journey.

Music - Michael’s music choices during our photo session included Flying Lotus, Fela Kuti, Cavalier and Radiohead.