Marc - 48

Reflecting on my earliest memories, I was this curious, bright, confident, loving, caring and compassionate little soul. Unfortunately, my life experiences would slowly diminish my connection to this innocent and authentic version of self. Very early on in elementary school I was faced with bullying and rejection. I was often ridiculed for the way I looked, the clothing I wore, the bike I rode, and for the way I tried to share my heart and build meaningful connection with all those around me. Instead of being excited about recess and lunch I can remember fear and angst building in me, worried about what might happen. For many years I looked for connection and for love in a world that didn’t really make sense to me at the time. This lack of connection started me on a path of questioning self, of thinking there must be something wrong with me because why else would people treat me this way. During that time my home life also involved ridicule and emotional abuse. I can remember a time where nowhere felt safe to me. That state of being in loneliness, self-doubt and confusion lasted for many years.

It was around the beginning of grade nine that frustrations of the ongoing abuse reached a critical point, and I acted out in an uncharacteristically aggressive way. I remember being in fear of returning to the classroom after this altercation, thinking it would be just one more reason why everyone would have cause to hate me. To my surprise I was celebrated for what was perceived by some as finally standing up for myself. Being celebrated for acting out in a way that didn’t align with my true nature and feelings started me on a path of betraying my morals, values and beliefs. It was a way for me to grow and maintain community. I was so tired of feeling alone!

By the end of high school, I had become what some would describe as a chameleon. I could very easily enter any room or any group and find a way to quickly blend in and find acceptance. In most cases presenting as liking what the people around me liked or wanting to do what the people around me wanted to do. Although now I had community, I was always wrestling with the feelings associated with not showing up in an authentic way and as my authentic self. When alcohol entered my life, I found that it made it even easier to be something that I wasn’t and to bury the feelings of discomfort surrounding the behavior. I didn’t realize at the time, but now upon reflection I can see that the longer I acted in this way the further disconnected I became from any sense of who I actually was. This compounded those feelings of discomfort in the background creating the need to drink more and more often in order to cope. Eventually my excessive drinking and blackouts led to the use of other substances.

The addition of other drugs, and the obsession that takes over in relation to them, eventually severed entirely any connection I had to self. I started to isolate myself from community and was left an empty, hollow shell of a being. The result involved many issues surrounding my mental health, affected many of the relationships I did manage to hold onto, and left me often times wanting it all to end. From the age of 29 to 39 I attended drug and alcohol treatment centres seven times, spent time in psychiatric wards and tried a long list of different medications. 2013 would be the darkest year I ever experienced, marking the most aggressive self-destructive substance use paired with the strongest and longest list of prescribed medications I have ever been on. In the beginning of 2014, I would be asked by my family to leave the city I was living in to minimize the impact of my behaviors on them and on my children. I can still remember the pain and emptiness I experienced on the Greyhound bus to Vancouver. Honestly by this point I truly believed that there was no possibility of a future and that I was on my way to die alone… but here I am writing this on February 14th, 2025, celebrating nine years sober.

I would be picked up from the Greyhound station by a support worker from a local drug and alcohol treatment and recovery society. I can remember this gentleman smiling as if he was happy to see me. I was transported from there to the main office where I would meet the intake coordinator - a man who told me the first thing you get back in recovery is your word. My word had become something meaningless at this point in my life.

This would be my first experience in a gender specific all men’s treatment facility and the start of my journey to healing that would take many years. Sitting with a small group of men, one of the first things I was asked to do was to pick a theme song for my recovery. I was so disconnected and heavily medicated at the time I couldn’t have even told you what kind of music I liked. With the help of the facilitator and the group one would be picked for me. Through the support and vulnerability of that group of men I started to open and share in ways I never had before. I realized the little boy and his values, morals and beliefs still existed buried deep beneath the pain. Slowly with the safety created, I began to lean into that caring, compassionate, loving little soul to create meaningful relationships with those around me. For the first time in my life, I felt celebrated for sharing the parts of myself I had hid from the world for so long. I would spend the next year working through the pain, weaning myself off all the medications, focusing on my physical health, and eventually become employed with that very organization that helped me to show up in ways I never had before.

The last 11 years haven’t been easy, but I am grateful to be alive. Over time I have continued to heal and stay committed to a constant path of personal growth and exploration. I show up in presence to every experience as authentically as possible. I have learned the meaning of self love and continue to cultivate it in new ways. The experiences that once caused pain, shame and guilt are now the pillars I utilize in my work supporting those trying to make positive changes in their own lives. Instead of viewing my experiences as good or bad I try to stay focused on the lessons they may offer. A mind, that still years into my recovery would contemplate death when things were very challenging, now wants to live and learn for as long as possible. I no longer betray my values, morals and beliefs to fit in, and I have found many communities in and out of recovery that accept me for who I am. Learning to reconnect to and stand in authenticity has helped me to create a life I never thought possible. In addition to working for the organization that helped save my life, in 2017 I started a business offering interventions and recovery coaching. My wife and I also created a business last year offering conscious connected breathwork journeys.

In presence and peace, Marc Dube.

Music - Marc's music choices during our photo session included You + Me, Passenger, Ben Harper, Train, OneRepublic, Pearl Jam, Iron & Wine and The National.