Jeremy - 43
It was right before Christmas, I came home from work to meet up with my partner, pack some clothes and leave together to spend Christmas with our families on Vancouver Island. Instead, I found the condo empty of her and her things, she did leave a goodbye note. The love of my life had left me. The years to follow would prove to be hell and I would be forced to embark on some deep self-reflection from which I learned three hard lessons.
Lesson One. I defined depression as someone who was sad, sitting around all day doing nothing. I was active, always moving, busy but never my definition of “sad”. I figured I couldn’t be depressed; however, I was wrong. I was a workaholic. I spent all day following my passion for making films, it was all I ever did, and it turns out, it was a coping mechanism for my anxiety. I never took any time for self-care or to look after those around me. My work took up every moment leaving me with zero time to think about my problems.
Lesson Two. I believed in the myth of “happily ever after”. Maybe it’s because I’m a huge fan of cinema. It was a misconception that all I had to do was find “the right person” and we would ride off into the sunset together. It was not easy finding her. In fact, it took years. I knew the very moment we met that she was the person I had been looking for. It was magic. I thought like all romantic stories, the journey was now over. It was a mission accomplished. I thought we were meant for each other, and everything would just magically work out naturally, just like in the movies. The problem with this mindset is that it isn’t real life. A new journey was just about to start when we met, one that required hard work and continuous growth. Finding a good partner is like writing a good script, but a screenplay is not a movie. You still need to make the movie and that’s not easy. In some ways it’s harder and quickly becomes a new uncomfortable process you must learn.
Lesson Three. I believed that asking for help in your personal life was a sign of weakness. This is something I learned from family but was also my general idea of what being a male is supposed to look like. I wasn’t raised with emotional sharing or vulnerability. I figured I needed to look tough. I wanted to look strong just like all the men in my family. They were too cool to talk about feelings. Counseling was for broken people, weak people. That wasn’t me, and the thought of opening up to a stranger was mortifying. I was worried that I would be judged. In short, I was scared to ask for help.
These three false truths lead me down a path, a path that had me losing everything I cared about. My career was also at an all-time low when the breakup occurred. I had not taken care of my personal, romantic, and professional relationships. I had been depressed for years and didn’t know how to ask for help. I had to come to realize that I wasn’t alone. I did have people in my life, my friends who I had known for years, but had never asked relationship advice from because I was scared. After I lost who was supposed to be the love of my life, I suddenly had nothing to lose, so I reached out for help. Turns out all the people around me were happy to offer support, had good advice and I ended up learning a lot. They gave me ideas and insights into love, bonding, sharing, overcoming challenges, and learning how to listen. They shared advice on how to better care for oneself. I was a terrible learner when it came to love and relationships, but I am getting better.
The same went for counseling. I finally gave it a try. It feels good to have someone to talk to who is not connected to my life. I never felt judged. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to not have the answers. If you talk about it, you will feel better.
I have learned the importance of self-care. Taking the time to ensure I am in my best place gives me more bandwidth to help both myself and others. Self-care for me involves exercise, cooking healthy food, yoga, mindfulness, getting outside, and human interaction. I find myself nerding out and reading so much about my anxiety. Having the words to explain something that has had such an impact on my life is important in seeing it more clearly and working to improve it. I learned a lot about communication, connection, and vulnerability in relationships. I admitted my failures and weaknesses and now I can better understand them. To ask for help is not a sign of weakness. It's one of the bravest things you can do. It saved my life, and it could save your life too.
I am writing this in the hopes that someone might need to hear these words. I hope some good can come from the darkness I have experienced, that more men start speaking openly about their feelings, and that we can learn from each other’s mistakes.
Music - Jeremy’s music choices during our photo session included Wax Tailor, Florence and the Machine, Macklemore, Pearl Jam and the Traveling Wilburys.