Evan - 38

There I stood, hunched over, unable to look-up. I could feel the scratchiness of that navy blue polyester uniform on my skin. It reminded me of that eczema I had as a kid, where I literally wanted to scratch off my own skin. It hugged me tightly… But like one of those hugs you get that you never asked for or agreed to in the first place. 

My hands glued to the counter of the dimly lit bathroom of our home in late November 2022. It was as if someone or something was holding my head down. Frozen in time and space, literally and figuratively gripping onto my current reality in my mind. 

Our home was meant to be a safe space, a space where I was to begin my next steps towards healing through exposure therapy. This was only step two in determining if I could return to a career and identity that I had built over two decades as an Air Ambulance, EMS, and Fire Dispatcher.

Everyone has an identity. 

Now ask yourself, is what you do your identity? Or is who you are, your identity? 

Often, we tie our identities so closely to what we do that it becomes all that we are, hiding our truest self in the process. And if or when that identity that we built ourselves upon disappears or is interrupted we are reduced to a place of emptiness not knowing who we are. 

As an emergency services professional for the last 20 years and a seasoned ultra-runner, I defined myself by what I did for far too long and the result… a tidal wave building behind me that I was too afraid to turn around and look at. Until it hit me.

Exposure therapy is like a ladder. In order to get to the next rung you have to send the signal to your brain to move the next foot available to move up. No different than running. One foot in front of the other. 

The rungs represent thoughts, feelings, places, and actions that relate to your trauma, and they get ranked in order of how much it may bother or upset you. You then begin at the bottom and work towards moving up the ladder. My first rung being the actual uniform and what it represented. It took me a few sessions to process out the feelings of even sitting with it in the room alongside me. It was when I was asked to put on my uniform as I stood on that second rung, that fear, guilt, shame, denial, and realities of my situation took over.

Imagine having an occupational therapist, who we are going to name Jill for the purposes of this story. Jill is watching with intent, coaching you as your heart races, you begin to sweat, your mind darting in 12 different directions. 

All of these reactions because you could not bear to witness yourself in the mirror for even 5 seconds in your uniform without bursting into tears and having a full panic attack… Welcome to my reality at the end of November 2022. 

It took 10 months of twice weekly therapy, sleep behaviour appointments, acupuncture, running, breathwork, somatic therapy and countless other modalities to get me to this point in time, standing frozen in my bathroom. 

How could I not see this as a failure? 

Over multiple sessions I continued to try and look at myself. In my own eyes. In my own house. In my own mirror. 

I now know, it was never about the uniform itself. It is what that uniform represented to me in my mind. That I was nothing. I wasn’t capable. I didn’t know who I was without the career. While still continuing to worry about what others around me were thinking and that I was letting everyone down by not being healed and able to go back to work.

The overall theme… Identity.

When that identity you so carefully constructed is all of a sudden gone, you feel like you have nothing and are nothing. Shattered by the understanding that you don’t know who you are anymore.

PTSD, Depression, and anxiety are no match for a person who believes they are lost. It wants us alone, it wants us isolated, it wants us questioning our value as a person.

Carl Jung once said: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become”.

So, how do you rebuild an identity from that place of nothing? 

How do you choose differently? 

How do you become?

Identify your values as a person. 

Sit with yourself and ask the hard questions. It’s easy to make statements about your situation. But life is in the questions. Values are what shape the pillars of identity, they define our trust in why we do what we do, they are the motive behind purposeful action. This is about reclaiming self-worth, trust, and belief in yourself. How do you want to show up for yourself first and the rest of the world second.

Move in silence.

Silence has a meaning. Inner stillness. A silent mind. The work to redefine who you are is in itself a silent battle. Only you can ask and answer who you want to be and why. For me I believe that stepping out of your comfort zone is truly the only way to grow. Vulnerability is terrifying but it’s also empowering. You have to take the lead in your own life. 

I created the new me by living through my newly defined values, acting into my fears, and taking responsibility for my own growth.

Leland Val Van De Wall said: “The degree to which a person can grow, is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away.” 

May you never again define yourself by what you do. We are ever evolving, living, breathing, and loving creatures. Don’t ever put yourself in a box. Don’t ever give into your smallness. Stay curious. Be present. Meet yourself where you are every single day. 

“Jill” my occupational therapist stood at the threshold of the bathroom door and told me that we were done for the day. I gently closed the door and proceeded to peel the uniform off of my skin as fast as I could. I piled it in the corner of the room with a level of disrespect to which it had never been shown by me before. I changed back into my regular clothes without hesitation. 

I lifted my head and looked at myself in the mirror.

I shuddered with a deep internal knowing, that would be the last time I would ever wear my identity again. In an attempt to find a calm place within myself... I repeated the phrase You are not it; it is not you - You are not it; it is not you. I wiped away my flowing tears as an eerie sense of calm washed over me that said… you can find your peace now.

Music - Evan's music choices during our photo session included Eminem, Passenger, Rueben and the Dark and Sheryl Crow.