David - 37

VAMONOS A LA IGLESIA!!!!

I could hear my mom screaming from the top of the stairs, getting my brothers and I ready for church. That was my life growing up, I didn’t come from a bad home. My parents instilled faith in us at a very young age. Looking at it now, they did the best they could. Having to leave Nicaragua during the Civil War, they have gone through their own traumas. As I grew up, I always felt different. I felt alone on the sidelines, I never felt a part of anything. That being said, I was a very energetic and impulsive child. From the age of five, I was prescribed multiple different medications for ADHD, when they failed to have the desired effect, I would be switched to another, all the while suffering withdrawals from the last. I had all these different drugs in my system and felt like I had to take them to be normal.

That was the narrative I told myself for many years. Those thoughts and experiences-built anger and resentments deep inside me. I ended up on the street at 13 years old. I found myself feeling alone, even though I was surrounded by people struggling just as much as me. My environment was filled with anger, violence, and chaos. Using drugs became a way to try and kill off my authentic self. When I used, I didn’t have to face the horrible things that were happening. I wanted to be a part of something so bad, but my heart couldn’t handle the lows I would reach living that way. I found myself lost in an abyss of hopelessness and loneliness. So many questions but no one to answer. So many attempts at stopping, at trying to clean up my life. The honest truth is using went hand in hand with the lifestyle I was living. I couldn’t stop.

First I lost my marriage, then custody of my son, finally I lost all hope in myself. But there is something that has always been there with me, even in the worst times. One thing that has always helped me stay strong. That thing is God. My higher power has put family in my life, their prayers have always been with me. From the darkest times to the most beautiful days that I’ve had since deciding to get clean and change my life.

There’s so much stigma around people with addiction, but there’s something I found that is true of every addict I’ve met… We are perfectly imperfect. Our hearts are huge, and our love goes far. Ever since I walked into the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous, I knew that I had found my tribe, my purpose, and that I wasn’t alone.

I wish I could say that my recovery has been all rainbows and butterflies, but that would be a lie. I walked into treatment for the third time May 14, 2019. I’ve continued to stay clean since that day by learning a new way to live. I started by building connections with people who had struggled like I had. As they showed me the way forward, I started to feel a bit of freedom.

I’ve done a lot of work on my need for validation and my insecurities. Until I started to recover, I struggled with self-worth for many years. I’ve had ups and downs in my recovery. I’ve gone through a horrible heartbreak where I almost lost my ex-fiancé to an overdose. There have been times where I’ve lost myself again. Seeking validation and setting expectations on people. I’ve gotten lost in my defects and had to find my way back out. There have been times where I have not been my authentic self. Blaming others for the chaos I create and not taking responsibility for my own life. I’m always learning and I’m always growing.

I could talk about war stories. I could talk about all the struggles I’ve had. All the situations that caused me to turn to drugs and alcohol, but I’m not going to do that. What I’ve come to realize is that none of it matters. What matters is now. Those trials and tribulations moulded me into the man I am today. When I asked my higher power for help, I knew it wasn’t gonna be an easy process. I knew that I was going to lose things that I didn’t want to lose. I knew that I was going to fight demons that I didn’t want to fight. I also knew that I had to fight. I had to fight the biggest monster of all, FEAR. I wasn’t given a spirit of fear, my choices developed that.

Today, I have my son in my life. He is 14 years old. It’s a blessing that he actually wants me to be a part of his life. He looks up to me, he loves me for who I am, my flaws and all. I’m surrounded by family. Family that raised me and the recovery family I have gained since choosing to stay clean. The truth is, I’m nothing without the people god has put in my life.

If there’s something to share from this, it’s that there is always hope. Even in the darkest places, you can find light. Even though recovery gets hard sometimes, I don’t have to pick up drugs ever again. I’ve gained that choice. I stay truthful to the people around me. When I can’t hold my head up, they’re the ones that will do it for me. My life now is surrounded with people that are doing the work it takes to stay clean. People who are helping the ones falling through the cracks. The people everyone gives up on. I’ve learned to never give up on addicts who still suffer. I learned that from people that didn’t give up on me. My strength is from the connections I’ve made, and from God. Those two things walk with me everyday.

Remember to never let anyone put out your light.

Please always remember that you are beautiful, you are loved, and you are worthy….

Music - David’s music choices during our photo session included Bill Withers, Mellow and Sleazy, RJ Brown and Tems.