Brandon - 47

I grew up in a cult. I didn’t know that my environment was not one that aligned with my soul, that I was not able to choose but instead was told how to be, what to think, how to act.

I can forgive my parents for the environment I was raised in. For only doing what they thought were the best of intentions. When I was 16, I had an argument with my dad. This argument resulted in him holding me in a full nelson while my younger, bigger brother exited his room in a fit of rage and started beating on me. My dad didn’t let go, I am unsure how long it went on for, but I was hurt badly. I grabbed a sleeping bag, my bike and left. I spent the night in the bushes by the train tracks, somewhere I didn’t think they would be able to find me. I vomited throughout the night leading me to believe I had suffered a concussion.

The next morning, I woke up early and went straight to school. I remember the janitor asking if I was ok, as he watched me stuff a sleeping bag into my locker. From what I can remember, nothing was ever said about that day. Perhaps the trauma has blocked out any effort on my dad’s part to mend that horrible experience. There was no one to protect me. All trust was lost with my mom, dad, and brother. I detached myself from them and began counting down the days until I could graduate high school and leave.

My 20’s were confusing as I was heavily programmed that anyone outside the organization was bad. I continued to have a superficial relationship with my family until I was married at 27. She shone a light on the dysfunction and the cult veiled as religion. My eyes were starting to open to the lack of love and mistreatment I endured.

My marriage ended after 7 years. I turned back to my family because I had no one. It wasn’t a warm welcome. I felt as though they were helping because they felt obligated. As I started to get back on my feet, I once again put some distance between myself and them.

Post-divorce was numbing. I felt intense stress daily. I thought it’s just how life was. Always feeling scared, angry, and worried about all the possible horrible things that could happen. In hindsight, my nervous system was in constant fight, flight, or freeze. It affected everything in my life. I was in survival mode 24/7.

8 years ago, I woke up in the hospital. No idea how I got there. I had been in some sort of accident while riding my bike. I had a severe concussion. I could not see or speak properly. I was unemployed, and barely able to take care of myself. The world got very still for me. Nothing mattered.

I spent time with my kids and was fully present. Oddly, I was not in a state of anxiety, fight, flight or freeze. I was thinking, this is it, my life will never be the same. I cannot function well enough to work. I recovered enough to return to work and put myself back into the grind, but not without constant worry and a dysregulated nervous system. 

Fast forward 2 years later, I was the fittest I had ever been in my life. I had raced my bike the year before, won a couple races and decided to put more effort into training. Spring 2016 I had a heart attack while on a training ride. I was 41. This time, the universe hit me a little harder because I didn’t pay much attention to my previous concussions. It now had my full attention.

The cardiologist could not find a medical reason as to why I had a heart attack. I asked if it could be a result of constant stress in which he responded “Yes”. It had finally caught up to me. I was done. No more. I started to examine every aspect of my life. Focusing on the subconscious programs that did not serve me and moving forward in making choices to change my life.

In 2020 I met a woman who I thought was going to be my new wife. I had done enough inner work to attract someone that represented everything I wanted in a partner. That relationship brought up my past traumas with my family, the beating, my mom’s hot and cold ways. I was simply not healed to show up as the man I wanted to be, to hold the container of our relationship. The relationship ended and my heart cracked completely open. All the past abandonment from my parents came rushing in and it hurt. My body was literally telling me I was going to die. My nervous system was still fucked. I had just stopped drinking and masturbating, so had nothing to dull the pain I was feeling. At that time, and in that pain, I connected with myself. All the love and connection I had always wanted, it was in me the whole time. Months of crying, assuring my inner child I was here for him, resulted in finding ways to heal. My nervous system is no longer dysregulated. I can move through life feeling lighter and grounded. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and revert to the old anxious, defensive state of being, and it's not happening. I am a new me, I am love. I no longer need to search externally for all the love I did not get as a boy. I can give it to him, and me now. 

Music - Brandon’s music choices during our photo session included, Penguin Prison, Lukas Graham, and Blow.