Adam - 33
Life can change in a split-second. One moment you have a steady job with stable pay that keeps food on the family table, and a roof over your heads. You have hobbies that you enjoy in your free time, and friends and family that you like to spend time with. Maybe you have some struggles too, but you’re able to manage them, and put out any fires before they turn into full blaze infernos. That was my life.
My split-second life changer came in the form of a workplace injury, in which my head had a not so welcomed ‘meet and greet’ with a piece of rigging equipment. Fast forward a few hours, I’m in the hospital. CT scan is clear, stitches are in, and the doctor is telling me, “I just need to say, you are incredibly lucky that you survived this impact, because the chances of anyone surviving that kind of head trauma is very low”. I’ve always had a very durable body and I expected this would just be a minor setback physically; I quickly realized that wasn’t going to be the case, and that my mental health would rapidly deteriorate.
Knowing that anyone else might have died was both the best and the worst news I could hear. When I reflect back I find myself thinking, “I will take that hit every time if it means that one of my friends and coworkers get to wake up another day and live their lives.” That day could have been so much worse. But I was not prepared for the emotional turmoil, the doubt, and the endless supply of negative self talk that came with the so called “luck” of surviving.
It impacted every facet of my life, my employment obviously, having to put the welding helmet down, and made me reassess where my life can go without my seemingly limitless physicality and grit. My faith started to collapse leaving me to wonder what my full purpose was. My relationship with my wife and two daughters became infected due to my unpredictable rage and irritability; the common saying in our home was “Mom, why is Daddy so angry all the time?”. My eldest daughter wouldn’t tell me if anything was wrong because she was always in fear that I would lose my shit on her for something completely out of her control. The guilt that I felt for my wife was overwhelming; 10 years ago we exchanged our vows, we swore to stand with each other through sickness and health, but I’m left feeling ashamed because now she’s stuck in a marriage with somebody that she never agreed to marry in the first place. I found myself most days thinking, “I wish that it had just killed me that day, it would be so much easier on everyone”, while desperately clawing to regain any pieces of who I was before this accident, always coming up empty and drowning in depression.
A year into recovery a close friend invited me over for a beer and catch up. He knew what was going on with me, but I kept him out of the loop when it came to my true feelings and emotional struggles due to the shame. I felt that “Mr. Indestructible” had been broken and beaten both physically and emotionally. I finally started to open up about my struggle, and with each little share, I felt the weight slowly lifting off me. Eventually, enough of my burden was removed to where I could start to see the positives again. I finally understood that even the strongest people in the world have moments of weakness and vulnerability. Maybe I won’t be a welder anymore, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do something greater. I started to believe that my current situation would not be my final destination, that this was not a life sentence.
“Have you been able to find any positivity through recovery?” That was the question that my counsellor continued to ask me, and after numerous sessions of breaking down from feelings of self loathing, I finally had a different answer. I had gained such clarity on everything. I now know what I need from a job, what my true values are, and what kind of father and husband I want to be. I had the time and tools to turn all the focus inward and look within myself. I started to plan and execute a self renovation.
A few months from now will mark two years since the day of my accident and I’m finally feeling a small sense of normalcy again. I don’t think I will ever be that physical force that I once was, but I’ve learned so many other skills along the way, like the importance of goal setting, resilience, and positive self talk; skills that I have never had before which I can carry with me into new opportunities. This accident and subsequent recovery process haven’t been easy, I’ve been tested in every way, and it damn near broke me as a human. I still struggle with some of the ongoing mental health issues, but the personal growth and self reflection that has come from a split-second life changing event is arguably one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Music - Adam’s music choices during our photo session included, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, and Shinedown.
